Today is Throwback Thursday, and I am sharing a memory I’d rather throw in the trash!
When my daughter was 1 year old, and I was yet to reach my heaviest weight, we decided to have a family portrait taken. My friend is an extremely talented photographer, so we hired her for a couple of hours and went out for a walk at a local reservoir.
I was really excited for the shoot, and had every last detail planned out. We put on our nicest casual clothes, and dressed Vivienne up, as she was the star of the show. I did my hair and make-up as nice as I could, and put on my favourite jeans and a cute top. I checked myself in the mirror before we headed out and remember thinking that I looked cute. I had a number of ideas for poses and a very clear vision in my mind as to how the pictures would look.We had a fun day out, and everyone posed nicely, even my 1-year-old daughter!
A couple of days later, Kristin gave us some beautifully packaged CD with our pictures. I excitedly opened the disk on my computer to look at all the amazing photographs Kristin had take. My husband looked handsome, and my daughter looked precious. Kristin caught a couple of pictures where her precocious personality really shone through, and they were sent off for immediate printing.
One of the first pictures I saw of myself made me look like I had a double (or triple) chin, a puffy, circular face, and eyes sunken in to face behind layers of fat, which was in stark contrast to how I thought I would look. “That’s okay,” I thought, “It’s probably just a bad angle. There are hundreds of pictures here; they can’t all be cover photos!”
I scrolled through more and more photos, and I just couldn’t find one in which my face looked angular and sleek, or my top fitted in a way that I looked slim. My legs looked enormous. I had saddlebags that I had never seen before. Despite the 6″ of height my husband has on me, I was the one who looked wider. It was simply heart-breaking. When choosing the photos to print, I had to narrow down the selection to a few in which I somehow looked okay, either because I was looking up, or had been obscured by other objects. The biggest disappointment was the failure to find a nice picture in which we were all holding hands and walking away from the picture; I had wanted to frame a large version of that pose, but I couldn’t have a near life-sized reminder of my back fat hanging over the fireplace!
Though I was really upset, this actually wasn’t my rock-bottom moment. It was one of several disappointments or upsets regarding my physique that I buried beneath unhealthy amounts of unhealthy eating, depression and denial. It ended up taking another year, and an additional 10 lbs of weight, before I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started taking responsibility for my own health and happiness.
I’m glad I did finally take that responsibility and start my DDP Yoga journey. Though I wish I had done so before we went on this shoot, I have to assume that I wouldn’t have been ready to make the change back then, and the Universe knew when things needed to happen, and in what order.
We’ll do a nice family photo-shoot someday. In the meantime, I always have a smile put on my face anytime I walk by the prints of some of the photos we got that day!
PS. It may not be the high-quality imaging that Kristin produces, but here’s how me and my daughter behave in front of cameras these days!