A New Hope

I ordered my DDP yoga videos today. It was meant to be a birthday present, but as my husband (secretly) probably doesn’t want me to remain as fat as disgusting as I currently am, I am getting them as soon as they arrive. He hasn’t said that he thinks I am fat and disgusting, but I don’t know how he could think otherwise. If he does think otherwise, we need to get him to an optician pretty soon.

Here’s what I look like at the moment:

Before-1

I say at the moment because I am hoping it will change. I don’t know if it will. I don’t think it will. I have gotten my hopes up many, many times before, and I just seem to have ended up fatter and less healthy than ever before.

Here’s a brief history of that before time. During my childhood and teens, I was never a healthy eater or active in sports. In fact, during my teens, I talked my way out of any gym class I could. I wasn’t ever what you would describe as thin, but, thanks to the youthful metabolism, I wasn’t as fat as I probably should have been.

Throughout my twenties, I tried every major home exercise system you could name (Tae Bo, The Firm, Weight Watchers, to name but a few). Every single time, I would stick with it for maybe a month, lose about 10 pounds, burn out, and then put back on the 10 lbs plus between 3 and 5 more lbs. I was 170 lbs through my teens, and that weight has just crept up incrementally ever since. The other thing that all those high-impact exercises managed to do was take my weak, inactive knees and damage them. Between the long periods of inactivity punctuated by high impact exercises without professional supervision, and having my overweight body sitting on top of them, me knees are now a mess. They hurt all the time, I can’t get up or down a flight of stairs without wincing, and I can’t run or do any form of exercise without causing myself so much pain that I am going to quit within a week. I don’t know what to do. I am so depressed,  I just want to sit on the couch and gorge myself on chocolate and ice-cream.

Things got really bad recently. I had my daughter two years ago, and courtesy of having to go on an elimination diet, I dropped all the baby weight within two weeks of having her. That put me back at 185 lbs. Then, as soon as she could tolerate dairy and wheat in my diet, I developed a serious sweet-tooth, and, believing that breastfeeding would burn an infinite number of calories, I gave myself free rein to eat as much ice-cream as I could fit into my face (which was a lot).

This year, my husband got a new job which required him to move across the country on short notice. I stayed behind, working full-time, looking after a toddler, and preparing our house to be put on the market. With all I had to do, I quickly gave up on making food for myself (feeding my daughter healthy food was a bigger priority for me), so I spent over a month getting breakfast at Dunkin’ Donuts, lunch at the University cafeteria, and dinner from a restaurant that would deliver to my house. By the time we moved out to meet my husband, I was 192 lbs.

I’m 33, fat (medically overweight), tired, sluggish, and my knees hurt. I have no idea how I got here. I think this is really my last shot to get in shape before my knees get too bad to do anything, and I get too old to turn it around.

Here’s what prompted me to buy the DDP system:

I’m hoping that it’s not just another one of those bullshit before and after pictures that have led to me throwing about $5000 day the drain over the years. Who knows? But I am going to document how it goes here, and hope that I can stick with it a bit longer by having that level of accountability.

Wish me luck.

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